I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
