I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
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I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
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I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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