Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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