When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
