I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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