just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
