I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
