Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
