Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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