this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
