He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
