my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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