the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
