I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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