SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
be right there i have to get my cape
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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