So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
