you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
