We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize