After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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