Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
