this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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