I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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