we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
