I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
