Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
