It's just like the Real World with babies
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
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I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
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Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.