I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.