My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.