Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."