At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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