This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
