if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
PS: I just woke up from my shower
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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