You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
