Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
