I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
