We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
