Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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