apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
