taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
