My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
