For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Shame is for Republicans.
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