My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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