Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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