girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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