last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
