Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My cat gives me a boner
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
