now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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