I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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