And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
