YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
