I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
