I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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