He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
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I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
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His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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