if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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