omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
NoShamevember. You game?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
