she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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