I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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